Stories I tell myself

Amjed: 0:01

Once upon a time there was a little boy who grew up in a small town and sitting in his room every day he would tell himself all kinds of stories, and he carried that habit into adulthood and those stories shaped the way he experienced the world. And in today's episode I wanted to share with you three emotions that I believe for me are impacted by the stories I tell myself, and that is stress, guilt and grace. So join me, hi, this is Amjad, a simple, beautifully broken man living in a complex world. Join me as I navigate the dark and bright spots of life, sharing vulnerability and reflecting deeply along the way. And may you find some benefit here that is through me, not from me. I must warn you to enter at your own risk, for in this room my humanity is showing.

Amjed: 1:08

Welcome, my fellow humans to episode 56 of my Humanity is Showing, and this is my second attempt now to have a slightly organized share in an episode, and I'm still finding that balance. So I'm somewhere between fully scripted, outlined out to, and on the other end of the spectrum was free flowing stream of consciousness, and so just developing a brief outline, and so today just want to hit a couple of topics that I've been reflecting on over the last week or so. The first one is stress. So I've been experiencing some stress recently and I had a few conversations with some folks about it and thinking about okay, what is stress? What does stress mean? How does it impact me, what are the ramifications, what are the manifestations of stress? So just want to pull on that thread and pause and think about that for a moment. And when I think about stress, for me it starts with some internal story that I'm telling myself. And I had heard a quote a couple of years ago that's really resonated for me and I can't find the exact quote anymore. So I don't know what the exact quote is, but it was something along the lines that said it's not what happens to me that matters, it's the story I tell myself about what happens that matters, and that it's the lens through which I see the world, that I experience it. And I've shared about this before in a previous episode.

Amjed: 3:02

And, if I think back, for example, two people could have the same incident happen get a flat tire on the side of the road, driving car gets a flat tire. Person A gets the flat tire and says, oh look, I got a flat tire, no big deal Gets out, changes the tire with the spare, drives continues. End of story. Another person says actually it's funny. I thought of that analogy because this last week I got a screw in my tire and the pressure started to drop. So it got up the next day and the air pressure, the tire, was low. I thought that's weird. It was a little cooler so I thought maybe that was what was impacting it. But one tire was several pounds per square inch lower than the other tires. So I changed it, took the tire off, looked at it and then, sure enough, there was a screw right in the middle of it and I took it to the store, dropped it off, they fixed it, gave it back to me, I put it back on and end of story.

Amjed: 4:21

Now that same experience has happened to me before. Where I'm driving, or I'm, you know, noticed that the tire pressure is dropping and I need to stop and change it. And it has been a catastrophic experience, like oh my gosh, I don't have time for this, I can't believe this is happening. Why does this always happen to me? And the story starts. And when the story starts for me, that's when the experience becomes a negative experience, and it's the same thing with stress.

Amjed: 4:57

So if I look at a situation and say, okay, I have a deadline coming up at work and there's two ways I could approach that, well, there's probably multiple ways, but there's two ways that come to mind as like the most likely reactions I'm gonna have. One is that I will look at that situation and say, oh no, I have this big deadline coming up and I'm behind in my work and everything is, you know, just falling apart and I don't know how I'm gonna handle it. And this is so stressful, this is so stressful. And the other way is I could just say, okay, it is what it is, it's a situation that has arised, I'm behind in some of my work, I have an opportunity to catch up, I'll give it my best shot and we'll see what happens. And in that situation, the stress level is far lower. And the only difference in the two scenarios for me cause I have lived through both scenarios multiple times and the only difference in the two scenarios is the story I'm telling myself. So if I tell myself a story of catastrophic proportions, then guess what, I have a catastrophic event. And if I tell myself a moderate story, then I have a moderate event. If I tell myself a very benign story like yeah, well, it is what it is, whatever it'll, well, you know, everything will be fine, then I'm a lot less likely to have stress. And so I was, you know, I guess, kind of along those lines, going just a little bit further on this. I had you know.

Amjed: 6:49

So the situation about being behind in work happened to me recently. I was feeling very overwhelmed, I had been traveling for work and had some time off for some things, and it all kind of came together where, all of a sudden, I felt like I was just didn't even know what was due and my to-do list had multiplied into multiple sticky notes and no pads, and I mean I just had notes everywhere. I couldn't make sense of what was going on and I had this fear that somewhere in that stack was something that was very important, that needed to be taken care of, that wasn't getting done. And sure enough, you know, I was sitting in a meeting at work and someone asked whatever happened with this thing that you were working on, and I felt this flood of fear and just this sense of oh my God, I don't know what to do, and I literally felt nauseous for a few minutes and the story I was telling myself and I didn't realize this at the time and this is why the whole reflection on stress Cause I didn't realize that the story I was telling myself was A you're gonna get in trouble.

Amjed: 8:10

B you may this may impact your reputation and, with the group at work. C this might impact your overall performance for the year. D they may get so sick of you they might just fire you. And then the worst one, the most poisonous one, is number five. I mean, sorry, what was I doing? A, b, c, d, e, e, which is you don't deserve to have this job, you're not good at doing this job, and that, to me, is the most toxic.

Amjed: 8:53

And I was having a combination of all of those feelings and it was all happening subconsciously, like I didn't even realize that any of that was going on. I just it was one minute, I'm fine, next minute I'm freaking out. And so, like I said, there was an opportunity to really pause and say, okay, why am I feeling this stress? What's going on? What can I? How, you know, how can I navigate through this situation? And I, you know, I'm a big fan of the serenity prayer, so it's, you know, like, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I can't change that, that thing that hadn't gotten done yet, and there was all these delays and things like that, and I can't but give me the courage and ability to do the things I can. And that's where I started focusing on okay, I can do this, this, this, this, and within a couple of days, all of that was resolved and there was no major catastrophe. Nobody got fired, nobody got demoted, nobody's performing. You know, it was like nobody's reputation got damaged and I still feel like, okay, I'm decent at my job, I'm good at my job, I'm good at what I do, I love what I do and I don't need to carry that shame and guilt, and so that would. That helps me.

Amjed: 10:09

Actually, that's a good transition into the second topic, and the second topic is that of shame and guilt, because you know, for me, what happens is when I experience stress, so stress being caused by that story that I'm telling myself, telling myself a story I'm creating and generating stress inside of me. And there was a result of the story that I'm telling myself and the stress that I'm creating. The flip side of that is I also create a lot of shame and guilt because I'm not living up to the story that I want to tell. So the story in my head is you need to be here, but you're not. You're here In whatever that situation is whether it's timeliness or quality of work or the amount of friends or whatever the successful thing is, or the definitions of success that I've created for myself because I see a disconnect in my actual life and what I'm doing to this imaginary standard that I've created.

Amjed: 11:21

I carry a lot of guilt and I feel guilty about not having finished that project that I was supposed to do. And the part that made it particularly tough was someone on my team had actually prepared everything for me and when I actually sat down to do it I think it was like a week and a half later it took me about five minutes to do it because they had done all the work. This other person, my coworker, had done all the work and I just had to finish it up. But because I'd failed in that, because I didn't do that piece, that five minute piece now there was this delay, things were getting held up, and it's actually something we've been working on for months, so hence all the guilt and shame around that. So what is guilt?

Amjed: 12:21

And, like I said that for me what it translates to is I'm not living up to my own standards and I have this unhealthy emotion of guilt. Now there's a positive version of the positive cousin of that, which is responsibility and ownership. So for me to feel responsible and to take ownership for that is a healthier way to respond to the same situation and say, okay, I didn't get it done, I take ownership of that. There's something that I need to do to correct this situation, but it's minus all the self-destruction, that self-destructive thinking of gosh, I can't handle this, I can't. But what's wrong with me? Why can't? That's like the worst sentence ever, right, the worst question I could ask myself what's wrong with you? What's wrong? I noticed like even my voice got gravelly when I did that. What's wrong with you? And that's that voice that I hear, that inner critical voice, that kind of shaming, guilting voice that says, yeah, you're nothing but a mess up and you can't do anything right and you don't deserve this. And it's all this kind of unhealthy inner dialogue. So it's still another story.

Amjed: 13:55

I had heard once that there was a story where they said this guy was talking to someone who was wise counsel. And this wise guy and he was older and looked at him and he said you know that voice you hear in your head. He's like, yeah, he's like those are your thoughts right. So, yeah, he said those are your, you know what you're thinking and reflecting and how you see the world. And he said yeah. He said no, he's like you're the idiot listening to that voice, which is kind of a harsh way of saying it, but I thought it was a really interesting. It kind of it dawned on me when I heard that and it really impacted me in a very strong way. I was like, oh, I don't have to listen to that voice. Like there, I can be independent of the story that I'm telling myself and that's the thing. Like.

Amjed: 14:52

So, if you go back to the stress conversation we had a minute ago, that whole thing was me creating a story that was generating stress. The second part of today's conversation is me creating a story that generates shame and guilt. So, either way, I'm creating the story. I'm creating the story, which leads me to the third point of if I'm going to create a story, why not give myself some grace and practice, some self care and some self love. Why not instead say okay, you made a mistake, you're a human being, you're good at what you do, but you're not perfect and everyone makes mistakes. It's okay. Now let's move forward and rectify the situation in a very loving and supportive way, and that story the one in which I give myself some grace actually puts me in a position to approach the world in a much healthier way.

Amjed: 15:58

A good friend of mine always says there's a difference between capital T truth and little T truth, and what he's referring to is, he says, the capital T truth is really, it's the reality. He calls it God's truth, but it's reality. It's the reality of the situation. The reality of the situation is that today is such and such day of the week, the temperature is this. This is what's happening in the world. I mean, there's a reality, right, but at any given moment, when I'm looking at that reality, I'm seeing it through my stories.

Amjed: 16:44

You know, if you've ever heard the phrase look at the world through rose colored glasses. You know just somebody who has a positive, optimistic outlook on the world, and they see the world through rose colored glasses. That, those lenses, those glasses, those lenses that I'm seeing the world through, they're the stories. They're stories that I'm telling myself. It's those narratives, it's the story. So, even if I'm looking at another person and the story I'm telling myself is, ah, look at so, and so they're so lazy and incompetent and they don't care, and you know, or they're so selfish, or they're so mean, or they're so whatever. Fill in the blank, that's a story that I've created about that person.

Amjed: 17:25

And the problem is that once I've created that story, it's like I've put on a pair of glasses. I made the glasses and then I put them on, and so I now see the world through that story, through that lens. That's how I see and view the world and experience the world. Even my memories of things are tainted by that story about those stories that I'm telling myself. And so, at the end of the day, if all I'm seeing is some version of reality, the little t-truth, that can never be 100% accurate. So my view on the world can never be 100% accurate. It will always be distorted, because it's going to be through the lens of my own ideologies and beliefs and thoughts and experiences. And it's these stories that I've created through all of that and I've put those lenses on and that's how I see the world. So my perception of reality can never be accurate. It will always be distorted.

Amjed: 18:46

So it's like my friend says to me well, if it's going to be distorted, why not distort it in a positive way? Why not purposefully create positive stories, purposefully create those positive perceptions and then view the world and instead of saying, oh, that person's lazy, maybe saying wow, I hope they're not having a health condition or that they're not so overwhelmed that they're avoiding work because they just feel so incredibly overwhelmed. So for others, it's like I'm viewing them through a lens of empathy rather than judgment. And for myself also, then, I'm viewing myself through a lens of empathy rather than judgment, and I'm viewing situations as like, in the most unbiased way that I can. So instead of creating a narrative around that story and saying, for example, even like this work situation, instead of thinking like, oh, they're going to fire me, I can't even do my job, I can create a story that says my boss, my coworkers, they care about me a lot, they care about the work they were doing, they care about me and they would be willing to support me If I said I needed some help right now to fix this situation, if I just admitted that I had made a mistake, that I missed doing something, and as a result of that mistake, now we're in a situation where we're behind on something, but together we can get caught up.

Amjed: 20:34

I just need some help and actually, now that I think about it, that's kind of what I did. I reached out to a friend and said I need some help and that friend was very quick to help me and the team was really supportive. I actually talked to my team and I said you did all this work. I failed to send it and, as a result, we're behind a little bit now and my team was very supportive and said it happens to the best of us. Let's just figure out how to move past it. And we did together as a team. I didn't have to solve that myself.

Amjed: 21:13

So I'll end with a prayer. So I have this prayer that I use periodically and at one point I used to use it a lot and then it's become kind of my go-to prayer and in a lot of ways I call it my mop prayer, m-o-p. Mop like mopping the floor, and the mop prayer is God, let me be your mop today, that wherever there is a spill, be it water, milk or urine. Let me just happily clean it up. And actually, after this conversation today, after this today's episode, I'm sitting there and thinking like maybe I should add in there, even if I'm partially to blame for the spill, let me just get busy cleaning it up. And if your role for me today is to stay in the bucket, then let me stay humble and out of the way so that others can address that spill. And then my friend that I told you about made me add and if my role today is to be the spill, allow me the grace to allow others to come in and help clean it up and to accept that I'm imperfect. And it just reminds me of a story I'll try to share real quick.

Amjed: 22:38

But I had a similar situation at work where I created a big mess I won't go into all the details created a big mess and we had to call in somebody to come and help one of my coworkers to come and help. And she came in and saved the day. I mean literally like within 24 hours, something I've been struggling with for a month. She was able to save the day and I mean I was sitting there when we realized this mistake. I literally turned to my computer and thought should I type a resignation letter right now? And I paused and I took a deep breath. And you know, in that silence I was given a command and it was stop sulking and just get busy cleaning it up. So I did, and then, when it was all said and done, I went to go see my boss and I said you know, I can't believe I did that. I mean, just that was such a horrible mistake. And she said I don't know why we're having this conversation Like nobody cares. It got taken care of. We all make mistakes. You're the only one who's still thinking about it. We've all moved on.

Amjed: 23:49

And that coworker that I told you about actually got a big promotion soon after that, and I secretly believe that in part it was because of how amazing she handled that particular situation. I mean, it was amazing to watch Like it. Just it was the point at which I think several of us realized how good she was, how strong of a teammate she was, because she tended to be more in the shadows. And then all of a sudden it was like this wow, look at that, what a great rise to glory. And it would not have I don't know that it would have happened per se had it not been for my spill. And I talked to her about it afterwards, like maybe a year later. I said you know, remember that situation that happened. I feel like you know you handle that so beautifully. And she said, well, thanks for giving me the opportunity to step in and help.

Amjed: 24:47

So I'll end there, you know, just again, I think if I were to summarize this whole conversation that we just had I always say conversation, but it's like a one way conversation but if I were to summarize the whole episode, to me it really boils down to what's the story I'm telling myself, what's the story that I'm telling myself about reality, what's the lens through which I'm looking at the world, and can I change those glasses? Can I change that lens? With that I'm gonna move to the random message of the episode. So let me grab my little bucket of fortune, cookie fortune things. I got a couple of really interesting ones lately. I was like huh, I don't even know what that means. Sometimes I have to ask my son like what is this me? I don't even know what they're talking about here. All right, let's see. Oh, this is an interesting one. So this one says the best mirror is a good friend. The best mirror is a good friend. It's interesting. It kind of ties in with the conversation you know I shared.

Amjed: 25:57

I probably mentioned my friend that so many times in this discussion. My mom always says she hadn't said in a long time. But when I was growing up I used to hear it from her all the time. She would say you can only see your back with two mirrors. Like that's the only way that you can actually look at your back, because you have to have two mirrors to see your back. Another one was like you know, you can't like some of it, you can't scratch your back without help. Another one was like you know, it takes two hands to clap, and that was whenever my sister and I would get into an argument. But my little momisms, I'm sure we all have them. But the best mirror is a good friend and I think that's so true.

Amjed: 26:43

Like for me, I, the two mirrors I use is my spiritual connection with my higher power and a good friend.

Amjed: 26:52

You know I lean on somebody that I trust to.

Amjed: 26:56

You know to be that second eye or that second lens, that mirror that I can look at myself.

Amjed: 27:04

Who's going to be honest with me and say you know I care about you, but here's the truth, here's what you're doing, here's what the real situation is, and I appreciate that so much. I appreciate having people like that in my life and I'm very grateful for that. So well, that brings me to the end of the episode and I want to thank you for joining me on the discussion today. Like I said, this is my kind of new approach to have a little bit of an outline and see how that goes. And so, yeah, thanks for listening, and if you found something of benefit here, as I say in my intro, I hope it's through me, not from me, and I hope you come back and maybe even tell a friend because it might help. You know, get the word out, maybe subscribe so that you'll know whenever I'm dropping a new episode and you can share it with somebody who might benefit from it. With that, take care, and I'll see you next time.