Embracing the Present

Amjed: 0:01

I am obsessed with age, so in today's episode I share a little bit about this idea that for me, somehow, age means everything, and I, in the process of sharing for today, for this episode, I actually came across a couple of realizations, so that I found that helpful and, you know, just explored this topic of aging. It's a good follow up to the previous conversation about longevity, so hope you find it interesting.

Amjed: 0:37

Hi, this is Amjad, a simple, beautifully broken man living in a complex world. Join me as I navigate the dark and bright spots of life, sharing vulnerably and reflecting deeply along the way. Will you find some benefit here? That is through me, not from me. I must warn you to enter at your own risk, for in this room my humanity is showing.

Amjed: 1:08

Welcome my fellow humans to episode 53 of my humanity is showing, and today I am doing something very new. For the first time I am actually recording in a hotel room. I'm traveling for work and I've actually taken all of my gear before, I think two or three times on trips and said, okay, when I get to the hotel room I'll record, and I have not actually done that in any case. So this is the first time I'm actually doing it. Here we are, so hopefully the sound quality is okay. I'm not in my usual setup, but I do have my equipment with me that I usually use, so maybe that's where all the difference is Okay. Enough about that. So today I actually it's interesting I wanted to share about something that I've thought a lot about over the years, especially in the last 20, 25 years or so of my life, and that is the concept of aging and, in particular, just kind of reflecting a little bit on what my perceptions have been around that. So what reminded me was the other day I was getting ready to shave and I took out the blade and I reached for, instead of the shaving cream, I actually reached for the toothpaste and was about to put toothpaste on my hand so I could smear it on my face instead of shaving cream. And that reminded me that when I was little I want to say like five, six, seven, somewhere in that age range, maybe even I don't know, somewhere in that age range I remember that I was so fascinated by the fact that my dad used to shave and he would put shaving cream on and he would shave and I don't know. Just that whole concept was so fascinating and I don't know if that's typical for a lot of young boys who see their father shaving and imagine one day that, yeah, one day I will shave, and so I would. When my dad wasn't around I would take toothpaste and smear it all over my face and then I would use my toothbrush to pretend like I was shaving it off and just to replicate that process. And then later it was kind of anyway, it's just I find that so funny that I was so anxious to get to this chore of shaving and now I do everything I can to postpone, delay, avoid, prevent any kind of shaving. So I just find that funny that you know, at one point I was really into that which reminded me.

Amjed: 4:15

So this whole I'm just taking you on my stream of consciousness here as to what brought up the topic for today, and that was that in my in that experience, it reminded me of when I, you know, I say this often that getting old is overrated, and I don't know if that's you know, I don't know what that means, but I used to say, like you know, I said well, I've talked a lot about getting old in general as a negative thing, but what I have found is that there's nothing wrong with getting old. I think it's as I get older. If I combine that with poor health or poor health choices, that's when the issues come up. That's when I started having all kinds of aches and pains and in just loss of energy and stamina, and a lot of it comes from this just not taking care of myself and my body's not as resilient and flexible as it used to be, and so perhaps additional care is needed as I get older, because I've seen videos and stories about people that are in their 80s, hundreds. I just, you know, in a previous episode I was talking about longevity and documentary, in which there was actually one scene where they had these, all these guys that were like in their 90s and hundreds, and they're like a thousand times better shaped than me. I mean, they're doing stuff that I there's no way I could do in terms of stretching and exercises, and I'm thinking, wow, wow, here I am, at 51 and I am in far worse shape. So I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with aging. It's just for me it's been a challenging experience because I don't take care of my health. So I just want to put that out there first.

Amjed: 6:16

And you know, when I say it's overrated, it's, you know, kind of it's tongue in cheek. I'm joking, it's my poor excuse for humor, but really what I'm getting at is I remember being three, when I was three years old, is when I decided that the one goal in my life that I wanted to achieve, and that is that I wanted to get married and become a father, and everything that I have done from that point on in my life has been to that end about, you know, getting married, becoming a father and then striving to be a better husband and a better father, and that's been, that's been, my biggest motivation in my life. It's the one thing that drives me, it's the one thing that gives me energy when I think about my wife and my kids. The second after that is probably, you know, wanting to be a good son and striving to be a better son to my parents and to my in-laws, or a better brother to my siblings or my wife's siblings, and so that you know, kind of in that order, and then I guess maybe you could add later like a better employee, a better friend, a better member of society. But it really it all starts for me with that idea of better being a better husband, or striving to be a good husband and a good father, and that's been my motivation in life and that's the reason I went to college, because my parents told me if I didn't go to college, no woman in her right mind would marry me. And so I went to college and so a lot of the works that, a lot of the things that I've done, have been around that focus.

Amjed: 8:04

But when I was three, that's, I just could not wait. I kept thinking like, when am I gonna get old and when can I get married? And sometimes I would have that thought, and then other times it was like, well, I'm three, when am I gonna be five so that I can start going to school? Cause I really wanted to go to school and I remember my mom took me on signup day and you know, my birthday just happened to line up in such a way that on the day they were registering everybody for kindergarten I had not turned five yet and they said you have to be five on this day. And my mom was like, yeah, but he's about to turn five, why can't you take him now? And they said no, that's the rules, this is the day. If he's not five today, then he cannot register for kindergarten today. So I was so devastated that my mom signed me up for a preschool called Kitty College, k-i-d-d-i-e College, kitty College, and I used to get all dressed up for that thing I think that we had. I don't know if we had a uniform or if I just dressed. I mean, I dressed up like button down shirt and I got all excited about going to Kitty College. My grandmother used to make fun of me there.

Amjed: 9:32

He goes off to Kitty College and did that for a year and in my mind I thought that that met the requirement for kindergarten. So I believe my mom believed that also. So the following year when we went back to the school, they said oh no, I'm sorry, he's old enough to start kindergarten now. But he's not old enough to start first grade, and you that would count. But he would have to do that for two years and then he could move into second grade. But since he only did one year he can, he has to go into first grade and or two years and then, yeah, whatever, the kindergarten, first grade, so no, then. So he has to start kindergarten and, uh, you know, I was again devastated.

Amjed: 10:22

So I started kindergarten and, as a result, I was the oldest kid in my kindergarten and pretty much throughout my whole education, I was always the oldest kid in my class, unless there was somebody who stayed back a year because of the way my birthday lined up. So I was always this, you know, the oldest kid. I'm the oldest kid out of my siblings, I'm the oldest kid out of all my cousins. I was the oldest kid in my grade for most of my life and I didn't realize that, as a result of some of that, I was developing this bias, but I'll come back to that. So, following this change just a little bit further.

Amjed: 11:07

So I couldn't wait to become five so I could go to kindergarten, and once I got to that, I couldn't wait to be 10 and I forgot what was happening. No, eight, something was happening at eight, and I remember eight being the next year that I was really fascinated about. Then I became eight. Then I couldn't wait to become 12, because then I could go to, you know, middle school. And then I couldn't wait to be 13, because then I would be a teenager. Then I couldn't wait to get to high school, and then I couldn't wait to get my first get B, 15, so that I could get my learner's permit. And I couldn't wait to be 16 so I could drive and get a car.

Amjed: 11:54

I couldn't wait to be 18. So I'd be old enough to go off to college and be an adult and be on my own, and I don't drink. So 21 really wasn't a thing for me. But I kept thinking like if I turn, once I graduate from college which I believe it was about 21, 22, then I'll be old enough to at the yeah, 22, 23, somewhere in that ballpark that I'd be old enough to get married. So back full circle to the three year old wish.

Amjed: 12:30

And you'll notice, in that story there's a common theme and the theme is I can't, couldn't wait, I couldn't wait to, I couldn't wait to get to this next age milestone and it's, you know, it's funny because then I would, as I finally did, get old enough and I started working and had responsibilities and all the adult stuff really kicked in. And then I started asking the question like, well, what was my hurry? Why was it in such a rush? Because now I'm driving, but I don't enjoy driving anymore Now that I'm here and I've got a car and now it's my responsibility.

Amjed: 13:10

Actually, I remembered another one, when I was 11. One day, to surprise my dad, I mowed the lawn by myself, figured how to start the lawnmower, managed to pull the cord enough times to get it started and this was back before you could push a button and start a lawnmower. I had to pull, and I did that several times, finally got the lawnmower started, mowed the lawn. My dad, just as my dad came home, I had finished and he looked at me, said good, Now you can take over. I was like, what Wait? I was just a. What I was like?

Amjed: 13:45

what.

Amjed: 13:46

Wait, I was just a one time Like I wanted to join you so that we could do this together. I wanted to be helpful and I ended up taking on that responsibility. So you know, anyway, I digress with that one. But the point is that there was this, always this rush, and then when I got there, it wasn't as glamorous as I thought it was, you know. And now it's like well, why was I in such a big rush? And I started thinking like man, if only I had savored more of my youth instead of just constantly rushing to get you know, to get to the next age milestone. And it's funny because just today, just today, I started thinking about.

Amjed: 14:39

I was in a presentation this morning and they talked about that documentary that I mentioned in a previous episode, about the blue zones and longevity, and and I started thinking like man. And then I met someone actually this is what it was. I met someone today on this trip that I'm on at this conference, and I met someone who just retired, like two months ago. And I caught myself thinking I just realized this just now as I was recording this podcast that I thought to myself like gosh, when am I gonna be old enough to retire. I can't wait for that to come so that I can just retire and then do the stuff I really wanna do. And I have to be honest when I was thinking about or I have to be transparent. I don't like using that, I don't like saying like, oh, I'm gonna be honest with you Cause hopefully I'm always honest with you but I'm gonna be a little bit transparent here. I think it's a better way to say that, and that is that you know, I'm not sure that this is the right or this is a healthy way to look at the world, and I didn't, you know, I haven't really thought about that until just now, but I'm thinking this, just me.

Amjed: 16:03

Recording this has been helpful for me because it shines a light on the fact that really, what I guess what it boils down to is it's am I content with where I currently am, or have I always been waiting for the next chapter and in the process, am I missing the chapter I'm in? It reminds me of I think I may have mentioned this before, but the Adam Sandler movie click, where he gets this magic remote and he can fast forward things and then it just starts fast forwarding quickly through his life, and that's how I feel like I'm always rushing to the next milestone. So let's say, I reach retirement and now I'm old enough to retire and you know, whatever that looks like. But maybe with it come other challenges, health concerns, different things that aren't currently on the radar, or maybe they're, like, not that significant right now and they just become more significant. But either way, why am I not making the most of the time that I have now and truly enjoying and savoring these moments? And I guess that's the message to myself, to my current me, my present me, to say slow down and enjoy the phase that you're in now, rather than just desperately waiting for the next chapter and the next chapter and the next chapter. So and I guess this is the part where I was saying like I want to be transparent what's funny about this is I thought I had outgrown that behavior until just now, because I don't remember catching myself doing that, but I remember looking back and saying, oh yeah, I did that, I did that. I did that up until the point that I got married. But really, when I think about it, I've done it all along and I still think that way, my brain is still wired that way. So it's a great reminder and a great highlight of how important for it is for me to pause and say, okay, let me just look at the current moment. So it's like a friend of mine says, that's a future me problem, and there's things that I've been putting off. So there's another thing I do. I put things off because I'm like, oh, I'll deal with that when I'm retired, I'll deal with that in a couple years, or when I'm not so busy at work, or when I'm in a less busy job. Or, fill in the blank, what after we move, and maybe when we're in a different house? That's when I'll do that, that's when I'll do that. And so I use that as an excuse to procrastinate, and by progressing I mean like literally put things off for years because I'm waiting for that next milestone Rather than just really seizing the day. That carpet eum, that Wait, you know, think about good, dead poet society, but just that idea that you know, can I, can I live in the present moment.

Amjed: 19:19

So now, circling back to the bias thing that I mentioned earlier. So I took some, I took an implicit bias test, and I don't know if you've done one of those. There's quite a few, but it's there's. The one that I took was from now, I can't remember, but you know that implicit by did that implicit bias test and what came out of that was the fact that I have an implicit bias about age and that, in particular, like soon as I saw it, I understood what it was saying and that for me, somehow age represents knowledge and ability, because there's this underlying factor in my brain that says if someone is older, then they automatically are wiser, they have more experience, that more knowledge they have, they've been around longer. I've used that on my kids a lot. I use that on friends and co-workers like oh yeah, but I'm older than you, and then when I meet somebody who's older than me, I just automatically defer to them.

Amjed: 20:25

And you know, I mean I almost like I Know what the right word is like I defer to them and I I Don't want to say afraid of is not the right word, but this, there's just this level of respect to their experience and In this, you know, once I realized that I've really been trying to pay attention, particularly at work about it, and I realized recently, like I have, there's this, some, some folks that I work with now that are far younger than me, that have proven to me that they understand things in ways that I don't even understand them yet and I'm at least I'm close to double their age, if not double, but close to double, and you know, or somewhere along those lines. And I have quite a few years and then a couple of decades in some cases. Do you mean? Some of these folks that I work with are just a few years older than my children, yet they're so intelligent and thoughtful and insightful and wise and you know things that I've seen them do. It's really Challenged that bias that have, that implicit bias, or that deep understanding of you know, and, like I said it and when, by implicit bias, what that means is this wasn't a conscious thing that was going on inside of me. I didn't realize until I took the test that that was even happening and then, as I've reflected back on it. It's like oh, there it is. So I guess the moral of that story is that one. It's really helpful to Take those kinds of assessments to get an idea of of where I am, so that it points me in a direction, to say, okay, here's something that you believe to be true, that maybe we're challenging, and so that you know that.

Amjed: 22:21

I guess the first part in the second one is that you know, just about age in general, this whole idea of oh, I'll wait till this, I'll wait till that, I can't wait till, because in my mind maybe there's a connection that I Want to get to that point. So I have that experience and that knowledge. And then I you know, I've said this all the time like I've been waiting for my hair to turn gray Because I believe that that will automatically make people respect me when my, when I have a head of a head full of gray hair. Unfortunately, my hair is not really turning gray, my beard is, but my head is not really turning gray. Instead, it's just all falling out but it. But what's interesting about that is my perception that I need that. I Need white hair or a white beard, or I need something that shows my age so that people look at me and say, oh, he's so wise. It's like an old wise man and something I've always aspired to toward, always. I know there's people that go through midlife crises and they do all kinds of surgery and and all kinds of things to make themselves appear younger, and I've always tried to Highlight the fact that I'm older and, if anyways, make myself look even older or seem even older, so that I will Earn that respect. And there's a lot. So there's a lot here.

Amjed: 23:55

I guess, if I'm summarizing this whole entire episode, it's really about my obsession with age. I'm obsessed with age. Yeah, that's a good title for the episode. Today I'm trying to think of what to call this like. I'm obsessed with age, with, with go getting older and, anyway, a couple of takeaways that I got out of today's reflection. One what's the hurry? Just pause to. And age is not this, it's just a number. It doesn't necessarily mean that people Without age, without many years, would not have those insights or those reflections or those inputs, or that they people with that doesn't matter automatically guarantee that they will. So you know, this is a real opportunity for me to pause and reflect on that. All right, I think I've. That was a good discussion. So I'm gonna stop there and and switch to the random message of the day. And I brought my little. I Don't have in my normal box that I haven't in, but what I did is I put them all in a ziploc, the fortune cookie messages, so I won't reach in here. See if I can get a random one. Hence the random message of the day, random episode message of the episode. So let's see, here comes one. I dropped a bunch out. All right, here we go.

Amjed: 25:31

The Greater part of inspiration is perspiration. So this is basically what this is saying is that you know I don't know what this is saying actually For a second. I read it as, like you know, to get achievement there needs to be perspiration. So in other words, you know you have to work hard, sweat and then you can get things. But I'm thinking about what's the connection between inspiration and perspiration?

Amjed: 26:05

And I have to say I personally, my experience, is very different.

Amjed: 26:10

I find that inspiration is the opposite of perspiration.

Amjed: 26:13

So the more effort and energy I put into getting inspired, the less likely I am to get inspired. So for me, inspiration comes from being calm and still comes out of a place of meditation and really reaching into the universe, connecting with my higher power and asking for that inspiration. And that's when I get inspired and new ideas and thoughts and reflections. So in a lot of ways, like you know, for example, like when I record these podcast episodes, I try really hard to reflect on it in a very like releasing control and then letting the conversation flow or the reflection flow, so that it's not something that I'm pushing out and forcing out, it's something that's just flowing through me out. So hence the idea of I hope what you get here is through me, not from me. So yeah, interesting quote. I said my experience is the opposite of that. So with that we'll wrap it up and I will say thank you for listening and if you again, as always, if you found something here that's beneficial, I hope you come back, take care.