Can I choose gratitude? - Thanksgiving episode

Amjed: 0:00

I find it interesting that we've designated a day out of the year to give thanks in particular, and for me, gratitude and giving thanks is something that is a daily requirement. Or I may fall back into bad, into unhealthy mental health attitudes and behaviors. So in today's episode I share a little bit about what my life looks like with gratitude and what it looks like without gratitude, and I hope that there's some benefit in it for you. Hi, this is Amjad, a simple, beautifully broken man living in a complex world. Join me as I navigate the dark and bright spots of life, sharing vulnerably and reflecting deeply along the way. May you find some benefit here. That is through me, not from me. I must warn you to enter at your own risk, for in this room my humanity is showing. Welcome my fellow humans to episode 50, 5-0 of my humanity is showing and today I'm kind of. I'm in an interesting mood. I guess that's a warning, warning, will Robinson. Yeah, so interesting mood today. I first of all, the weather this week has been really interesting, you know, kind of different. It was gray and cloudy for the most part. Colder weather is coming in and that typically triggers some nostalgia and sadness for me. I don't know, it's something about the change in the weather when the winter starts that gets me going on that kind of somber mood thing. So, just like I said, warning that way, it was also Thanksgiving week. This past week we had a celebrated Thanksgiving here in the US and it was a good opportunity to reflect on gratitude, although I tried to do that on a daily basis. So that would be, I guess that's I don't know it's a practice for me because I feel like gratitude is such an important part of my journey and it's such a healing experience for me when I focus on gratitude and I can think of gratitude, you know, in several different ways. You know I have a friend of mine who always says you know, I'm grateful for the sun, the moon, the stars, the sky and, you know, and other people you know, grateful for family or grateful for me. I tend to start with whatever is disturbing me. That's the point at which I start my gratitude. So I'll give you an example. This would well, I don't know if it's an example, but it's the day this light bulb went off for me and you know I'd been in kind of the recovery road from mental health stuff for a little bit, for a couple years and was starting to get see the silver lining and feel a little better and get some benefits of being and doing all that work. And the healing had begun.

Amjed: 3:29

And around that time it was summertime and I live in Texas and in the summers we hit triple digit Fahrenheit, so we get it past 100 pretty quickly and then it's just all summer long. It's just scorching. Just walking from a building to a car, any, any party, my body, that the sun hits is just like reminds me of that scene from Chronicles of Riddick when they're on that fire, that planet, prison planet, and the sun is rising and it's just like setting everything on fire. Yeah, it just kind of reminds me of that. That's what it feels like. I think about that every single time. I feel like I want to splash a bunch of water myself and run to the car and then just watch the water just sizzle right off of me.

Amjed: 4:19

So it was a hot, hot, hot summer and my kids had actually gone to go visit their grandparents. So they were gone and my wife and I were, you know, here in Texas and our air conditioner broke and if you've ever had that experience, it's pretty, pretty rough in the summers in Texas. I mean, it was so hot in the house at night that we had all the windows open like fans everywhere. And this was you know. I guess now, if I were to go back in time, I probably would just go buy a window unit, air conditioning unit and stick it in the bedroom window and at least try to survive that way, or rent a portable AC unit and have them come hook that up so at least I could manage for a few days.

Amjed: 5:08

But we were trying to find a company to come out and fix the AC. And every company that came out was just quoting these crazy amounts and they wanted to basically replace the whole system. And you know, my dad was an engineer and said you don't need to replace the whole system, they just need to fix the one part, that, the part of it that's broken, which is about half of it, not the whole entire thing. And you know there are all these repair people that are coming out. They're saying well, you know, we have no guarantee that this other part's not gonna go bad too, so we might as well replace that as well. And anyway, we kept going back and forth. So day after day we were sending, you know, calling people over and sending them away, calling people over and sending them away. And it took a whole week for us to finally find somebody. It was like, oh yeah, I mean you just need to fix this and I'll take care of that for you. And he was a friend of a friend, so maybe that's why he was just pretty straightforward with us. And so we, you know, finally got the AC repaired.

Amjed: 6:12

But during those days where it was, like I said, it was so hot, we had fans everywhere, windows open my wife and I were walking, we were walking around the house and could not come within three feet of each other because you could feel the body heat, you know, just like the breathing in the you know, cause it would just raise the temperature like one degree and you could feel it. And you're like, no, you stay on your side of the house because it was just so hot. And in that I had been going through this exercise of gratitude and I was trying to find gratitude in the fact that my AC was broken. And you know, just desperately seeking gratitude in that, and it's like, come on, you know, it's like I'm grateful my AC is broken and I'm melting to death, and but I was determined to get it, I guess.

Amjed: 7:06

And in that I was given a gift, and the gift was this that I realized that I'm so incredibly fortunate to live in a house that has an air conditioner. You know and I'll just elaborate on that slightly, cause you know, first of all I just started thinking about that I was like, what would this be like if I didn't have an AC to begin with? Well, one, I wouldn't be worried about it going, about it breaking because there wouldn't have been one there to start with. So there's no, there would have been no issue. I could have just been fine, like no AC before, no AC now. That's what it is, it's just the reality of the life that I live, and I wouldn't be in this miserable experience and pain of trying to deal with something that I'm not used to dealing with, and but it would be like that all year long. I would be freezing cold in the winters without a heater, I might be burning up in the summers, and it would just be that experience all the time and I'd have to find other ways to cope. But I'm fortunate and I was fortunate then and I'm fortunate now that I live in a house that has an air conditioner that I can modulate and control the temperature within the house and keep it within certain amount of degrees of what's comfortable for me, and that's a big gift. That's a big gift.

Amjed: 8:40

And same thing started happening with my family. Like every time one of my children did something, or my spouse or it's like anything parents, in-laws I'd just stop and say I'm so grateful I'm married, cause if I wasn't married I wouldn't be frustrated about my wife or my in-laws right now, or even my kids, cause I wouldn't have any of those things. So I started thinking about all the blessings that I have and all the things that I have to be grateful for that. I'm experiencing this other emotion as a result of having these blessings, and it just for me, it just shifts the whole focus. It just shifts the focus and I could be really upset with someone and then, as the moment I start to realize the gratitude of having them as a friend or a family member, all that anger, all that frustration just melts away and it's like why am I upset? What am I? I mean, seriously, I'm mad about this peddly little thing when I should just be so grateful. This person is in my life and I mean, I don't know how else to describe that.

Amjed: 9:56

It's just such an amazing experience for me to have that new lens on gratitude, and so I found that for me, that's where gratitude starts. It starts with I look at what are some things in my life right now that I'm complaining about or I'm tempted to complain about, and what would I have to give up from the many wonderful things in my life that would make this one frustration go away? And as soon as I think that way, then it's like, oh, that you know I should be grateful for that. So I won't, I won't belabor that anymore, but with you know, thanksgiving, like I said, I try to practice this on a daily or at least weekly basis, on a recurring basis. Practice this practice of gratitude and getting into the gratitude and really feeling and experiencing that gratitude, so that I can I can right size my problems by putting the gratitude light on them, and it's like literally like shining a light on something.

Amjed: 11:09

It reminds me of a couple of stories from my childhood. So when I was little, I remember one time it was right after my sister was born, so I was probably five and you know my, my gosh. I just barely remember this house because I was five years old, but I remember I had it in my room. I think my grandmother used to sleep with me sometimes, but then she went to go sleep with my newborn sister and so here I was for the first time, like in this room by myself, or I don't know if it's the first time, but it was this one time and I was having trouble sleeping and I looked across the room and there was a chair there and there was this. I just something. I saw something in the chair and I was like what, what is that?

Amjed: 12:00

And then I hit under the covers because I was just so scared. I mean, put yourself in the mind of a five year old right Hit under the covers. And then I kept peeking out. I would take these quick glances and it's pitch black in my room and barely any light. I'm peeking out and I started to make out the shape of a figure sitting in this chair, and that's why I'm sitting in this chair. I mean it just looked like this really scary person, slash, creature, whatever. It was just terrifying looking.

Amjed: 12:31

And the more I kept catching these quick glances cause I was hiding under the covers, just shaking, terrified, and then I would pull the covers down, take a quick look and then go back under the covers again and I, slowly, I took the pillows and kind of built a little wall with the pillows underneath the comforter and I just kept these quick glances and every time I took a quick glance, the more dangerous and ominous this creature became, until it was like just this horrible, horrible thing and I managed to squeak out for help. I mean, I was just, I was trying not to cause it looked like the creature was sleeping and I was scared to wake it up. And so I was. You know, I I something. I think I knocked on the wall or I did something. Somehow I got someone's attention.

Amjed: 13:21

I can't remember if it was my grandmother who came or my mom, but somebody came in the room and clicked on the lights and said what's going on, what happened? And when they clicked on the lights I jumped out from behind the covers and I pointed at the chair and I was like I don't know what that thing is and I think it was my mom, cause I think she started laughing and she's like are you talking about the pile of clothes on this chair? I could laugh at it out today, but at the age of five it wasn't funny, so you know. It's like there was a pile of clothes I guess she had done laundry earlier in the day and it was all over the bed and so, in order that I could sleep, she took it all off the bed and put it on the chair and it took on the shape of a being on this chair in the dark. But as soon as she clicked on the light, boom, it was just plain as day, obvious, that it was a pile of clothes and I was like, oh my gosh, like this whole time I was scared to death of this pile of clothes.

Amjed: 14:21

Same thing with there was this I have a picture of it somewhere, but there was this tree that I could see across the street through my window that actually had the shape of Bigfoot, and when it was this huge tree and it looked like a giant monster, like trying to reach over and like hit something, and if I ever make it to video I'll see if I can dig up that picture and pull it up and maybe share that in one episode. But it was a scary looking tree. Even in the daylight it was a scary looking tree. I still, to this day, when I see that picture, I'm like, yeah, I still think it's a scary looking tree, but at night, through the window from my room, where I could see this thing across the street, I mean it was cause it was two, three times taller than the house. It was a big tree and it didn't have I don't know what kind of tree it was. It looked more like a cactus than a tree, but it just didn't really didn't have any leaves or many branches, it just looked like this giant figure. And again, in the daylight it was unsettling, but at nighttime it was just horrifying.

Amjed: 15:32

And there's something about like, when you get the light on something and I guess that's what gratitude does for me it takes whatever problem that I'm having. That seems overwhelming or it seems horrible, and I get really worked up about it. I'm either really afraid of something or I'm angry about something, or I'm sad about something. Whatever that negative emotion is that I'm experiencing. And then, if I can apply gratitude, it's as if somebody just turned on the lights and all of a sudden there's a pile of clothes and it's like, oh, I was upset about the pile of clothes, which actually, in my case, what happens is, it's even better than that Cause what I thought was upsetting me I was afraid about angry at whatever. When I turn on that light of gratitude on it, it suddenly becomes the most wonderful thing that I have. It's like this wonderful thing in my life that I just forgot to appreciate and I'm just so grateful for it. I no longer have any negative emotion toward it, so that I don't know how. That reminded me of that story, but that was boy. That's an interesting kind of twist of events, like the I had, you know, I remembered the pile of clothes and then the tree thing. So on this topic of gratitude, you know, just thinking about, you know just add one more angle, I guess, is this idea that without gratitude so I'll just I'll kind of pull on that thread for a second Without gratitude, what happens to me. So I've described, you know, I kind of came at it from a different direction. I described what happens when I have gratitude in my life. It's like somebody turned on the lights, but without gratitude I go deeper and deeper into darkness. I go deeper into darkness and I, you know like, for example this is a real time example Earlier today I booked a hotel room for, you know, a stay that we're going on a family vacation for a couple of days, and so I spent hours looking for this hotel room.

Amjed: 17:41

I finally found one that was, I thought, was gosh, this is a great price and I so I booked it. You know, I just I'm gonna book it and it was non-refundable or partially refundable. I think the most you could get is 50% back. So I booked the room. The minute I booked it, I thought, you know, I should have checked on the website of the actual hotel, because I got it through a third party app, and on the third party app this was the cheapest deal going around. But when I looked on the direct website of that hotel, I realized that I might've been able to save anywhere from $100 to $200 just by going directly to the hotel site, or there were some other sites that you know I could have booked it through. That might have been much cheaper.

Amjed: 18:24

And I just felt like, for a second, like somebody punched me in the gut. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, like I can't believe that just happened. I got swindled, I got suckered, I got. You know, this is not fair and that's like for me, that is the antithesis of gratitude, it's for me to say it's not fair, my life is not fair, the situation is not fair, people don't treat me fair. Whenever I get fixated on that fairness concept, it just kills gratitude, it just destroys it. It's like it's fights it, because how can I be grateful for something that I think is not fair? And then, you know, I just chose the path of gratitude and said you know what? It's okay, I paid a little extra, but I found a place and that thing is done.

Amjed: 19:21

I spent several hours this morning and actually over the last several days, maybe a week, trying to find a place. I finally found one. It's done, I'm grateful I found a place, that I don't have to spend any more time searching for a place to stay on this trip that's coming up in a couple of weeks, cause it was getting closer and closer and I kept thinking, man, I've got to find a place for us to stay, or this is going to be an issue. And being able to check that off and say, okay, it's done, I've got it, I'm grateful for it, and that just really helped and I'm like I'm not going to think about it anymore. It's gone. That there. If I wanted to. I could cancel it but I would only get 50% of it back and that whatever I would have saved, I'm going to lose more than that. I'll lose like $2, $300 just in the cancellation and then rebooking it through some other site.

Amjed: 20:14

So at this point I have two choices. I can either be really pissed off at the situation and the way it worked out. I can be, I can shame myself for being so dumb and not thinking to check the website directly before, or not spending a little bit more time and being a little bit more patient and checking to see if there was a better price on that location. Or I could just enjoy the trip, just be grateful that we have a place, be grateful that we're going on vacation, be grateful for the time I'm going to get to spend with family and just enjoy the trip that you know, and be grateful for it, and that gratitude is the. You know, like that.

Amjed: 21:00

I don't know if I'm explaining that clearly, but that and so the moment I did that, it was like this weight just got lifted again and I felt like, okay, it's fine, I'm good, I'm happy, I'm a happy guy. You know, it's a little bit of money gone, it's okay, it'll work out. It always does. And it reminds me of a conversation I was having yesterday about money, you know, because it was like this idea of you. Know well, sometimes you know I'll spend, you know people will trick me or they'll ask me for stuff and I'll end up spending more money or whatever. And you know, I guess I have this belief that every penny I earn has somebody's name written on it. Sometimes it's my own, sometimes it's one of my family members, sometimes it's a friend, sometimes it's a peer, stranger, but they, you know, it's like their name is written on that, that little penny.

Amjed: 22:02

And I, you know, I don't want to, and I'm using that word very amusing, that my choosing my words very carefully, I don't want to get caught up in, but you know, just being upset I'm trying to find, like I said, trying to choose my words carefully, being upset about whose name was on the penny and thinking it should have been mine instead of that person's Cause, I don't know, I mean okay, so I spent a couple hundred extra dollars or whatever. A hundred, it might have been a hundred by the time everything worked out. I don't know that hundred dollars may end up on some employee's paycheck, who has, you know, some small children that need to be fed and clothed, or a family member with a health condition and some medical bills need to be paid. I don't know, or it could be a swindler, but regardless, you know it's like that money is now belongs to that person or persons and it's okay. I can let it go and I can move on with my life and I can choose the path, the gratitude cause.

Amjed: 23:20

I'm grateful that you know that I had the money to spend to begin with, cause otherwise I wouldn't even have booked it and you know I might have to cut some corners somewhere else to make up for it. Okay, fine, I'll eat. Maybe I'll eat a little less ice cream for a couple of months, maybe I won't, I don't know. But you know, just not getting fixated on what the outcome is and just, you know, being thankful. Okay, that was an interesting thread, again, not necessarily what I was planning to share, but, you know, in light of Thanksgiving, I thought I just suddenly occurred to me I should probably talk about gratitude a little bit and was gifted with some memories to share there and some experiences. Okay, I'm going to stop with that and transition to the random message of the day.

Amjed: 24:16

So, let's, I got my little bucket. I think I dropped one on the floor of Fortune Cookie messages and I will da, da, da, da da. I need like a drum. Oh, hold on Two of them stuck together. Okay, let's see what this one says. This is interesting. It kind of ties right into what I was just saying when things go wrong, don't go with them. Yeah, I, just like I said I had to laugh. I didn't even get past the first part. It says when things go wrong and I just I laughed because I was like I don't know what's coming after it, but I'm sure it's going to be related Don't go with them.

Amjed: 24:58

And you know, I guess this goes back to the story earlier. You know it's it directly correlates for me in that. You know, here's the situation that I feel went wrong. Now I have a choice I can either take on a wrong attitude about it or an unhealthy. I guess you know I don't like the word wrong.

Amjed: 25:19

I don't know, I just when things don't go my way, then I have a choice I can take on a healthy approach or an unhealthy approach, that's I prefer that over right and wrong. Right and wrong I get all confused because I don't know what's right and I don't know what's wrong. I'm not a judge of that. I'm not qualified to judge those kinds of things. I you know I think I've shared about this in previous message and previous episodes that thought process is toxic for me because I can really go down a dark spiral if I get caught up in the whole right and wrong discussion. So, you know, I try not to think about things in that because I'm not qualified to. You know, I'm not God, I don't, I'm not a God, I'm not the God. I'm not. You know, I'm just a guy who barely can, you know, muddle my way through life. So, but when things don't go my way, I have a choice. I can choose the path of negative attitude or positive attitude.

Amjed: 26:20

And I think what I'm hearing in this thing is you know, if things don't go my way, I have a choice Don't go, don't also turn myself into something that's unhealthy or choose an unhealthy reaction to that situation. That's exactly what happened earlier. I could have done that, I could have gone in a spiral and I would have spent the next month just angry, angry about this injustice that had been done to me. You know, and it. Life's too short, I don't want to go down that road. So when things don't go the way I want them, I don't have to follow. I could just let it go, watch it slide down the hill, see where it lands. So yeah, that's.

Amjed: 27:09

It's interesting that that was so directly correlated. I know that happens every so often when I'm doing these random messages that they're so closely correlated to the topic for the day. So with that I will wrap it up. I've had a couple of longer episodes, so I'll keep today's a little bit on the shorter side. Maybe, I don't know, it might be the same length. It's hard to tell. But yeah, thanks for listening.

Amjed: 27:38

If you are one of those people who listens more frequently, I would love to hear from you at Amjad, at myhumanityisshowingcom, and it's spelled A-M-J-E-D in case you're wondering. But I wonder about this project, you know, because I still see single, maybe double digit downloads on the podcast and I wonder is it, is my message reaching anyone? Is it helpful, is it not? But I made a promise to myself that I would keep doing it. So I'm two episodes away from 52, which would equal a full year's worth of episodes if I were to, if I had not missed some in the middle, and so I'm just gonna keep on chugging along.

Amjed: 28:37

I am toying with the idea of doing a video podcast to go with this, so in other words, recording. I just can't figure out where to sit in my house when I'm recording them, so I may have to experiment with that a little bit and start recording the video along with the audio and maybe posting that on YouTube and see if that makes a difference. I still don't really everyone's gonna throw a link on Facebook, but other than that, I really don't do social media and I haven't really been advertising this through social media channels. But there's my alarm. So, yeah, we'll see how this all goes. But thanks for listening and for those of you who are getting some benefit, I'm grateful for that and I really do hope that it is not from me but through me that you're receiving that and that, if you are getting a benefit, that you keep coming back. Thanks and take care.