I need help… (examining self-talk)

Amjed: 0:00

In this episode I share about negative self-talk and how the old tapes keep playing for me, even though I don't realize that I'm doing it and that you know. It's important for me to remember that I'm not perfect and it's okay for me to maybe not do things right, and doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with me. But I should also be paying attention to the words that are coming out of my mouth, especially if they're negative toward myself. Hi, this is Amjad, a simple, broken man living in a complex world. Join me as I navigate the dark and bright spots of life, sharing vulnerably and reflecting deeply along the way. May you find some benefit here. That is through me, not from me. I must warn you to enter at your own risk, for in this room my humanity is showing. Welcome, my fellow humans, to episode 41 of my humanity is showing and still trying out that new intro. Yeah, I'm not quite sure where to go with that I was thinking about the other day. I was like welcome, broken humanites. I was playing around with it a little bit sounded crazy, so I'll stop there. Welcome back Today. You know it's actually a topic I thought about a little while back and I've been avoiding to share on it, maybe, or saving it for a rainy day when I couldn't think of anything else. I'm not sure. I'm not exactly sure why I haven't shared on it, but it was just this thought like I was, I did, I did something and you know it's the usual something silly me that I did and I remember thinking to myself like I need help. You know, and from that context of you know, and I find myself saying weird stuff like that or, I guess, disrespectful stuff like that to myself all the time where I'll say like, ah, you know, you know, sometimes it's like, man, you need help, as in there's like something wrong with me that I need help, and so that's the, that's the phrase that came out of my mouth, and I remember just pausing and thinking why? Why do I need help again? What did I do wrong? And or what's like, what's so wrong with me that I need help? And what kind of help exactly are we talking about here? So I thought this might make for an interesting episode to just talk about this a little bit, and there's a couple of different angles of this as well. So just, you know, pulling on that thread a little bit further.

Amjed: 3:10

You know some other things like I'll, you know, say to myself along the same lines, but even more harsh, is, like man, I'm an idiot, or that was stupid. And you know, I just, actually I just did this a few minutes ago. A few minutes ago I it was, it's the day that we have to put the trash out. And so I took the trash bins and pulled them out of the garage and I went and put them out in front of the house and I came in and locked the door, set the alarm and then I'm about to come into the room and I realized that the kitchen trash is still sitting there in the kitchen and I had not taken it and put it into the bin and I just I kind of chuckled and you know, I laughed at it as like, oh, that's, that's funny. But at the same time the words that came out of my mouth were oh gosh, that was stupid.

Amjed: 4:11

And it's this negative self-talk that's still there. And I'm, I guess I I should probably start with some gratitude, because the I'm grateful that it doesn't have the emotion attached to it that it used to have, because in the past I would have. That would have been like a real opportunity to shame myself and say, like it's, you know, like not only are you stupid, but then I would have gone into this depression and anger and I would have been so frustrated, like what is wrong with me, gosh, I need help. And you know, I would have just been angry about it and and it would have, there would have been a lot of toxicity and emotion associated with it, which I feel like. Fortunately, a lot of that is gone. So, for the most part although it does happen occasionally and I've shared about a couple examples of that in this podcast, but they're, you know, occasionally I've fallen to that negative Emotional state.

Amjed: 5:08

But what I'm noticing lately, in the last couple of weeks, is that I still have that language. It's the, you know, I call it the old tapes and it applies in so many different ways, like, for example, you know, there's we're talking about negative self-talk and that, you know, for me, like I said, there's that that Negative language that's hardwired into my vocabulary, into my lexicon, that it just automatically comes out like and Without even with, like an autopilot, without even realizing that I'm doing it, that feeling that's that just those words just flow out. I've noticed that's true also of like other things you know like, for example, there's some Like cultural things that are no, that are not acceptable, that were harmful, hurtful things that people would say that I grew up hearing all the time and you know some of those things will, will just kind of flow out and I won't even realize that they've come out. It's until somebody points it out and says, oh, we don't really use that terminology anymore. It's like, oh, okay, I didn't. You know either, I didn't realize that we don't use that terminology Now, which happened to me the other day, like, for example and I'm scared to gosh, I'm like hesitant to actually use the words, but I think in their raw context there's nothing negative about them. So we'll, we'll venture out.

Amjed: 6:52

But there's a term I learned about, and you know, when I was younger, in the history class with the native Americans, the indigenous people, that you know they, they would have these gatherings that they called powwows, and I haven't fact-checked that probably should do that while I'm talking to you now, but I Remember that from my childhood, remember that concept. But I also know that in the work setting, you know, we, you know like okay, so here it is. A powwow is a gathering with dances held by many Native American and First Nation communities. Powwows today allow indigenous people to socialize, dance, game, socialize, dance, sing and honor their cultures. It may be part private or public, indoors or outdoors.

Amjed: 7:41

This is just from Wikipedia so I did a quick search but I guess there's a slang Definition. So right below it it says what does it mean in slang and says to have a quick meeting and so you know, just a quick gathering to say let's just get together real quick and have a quick, quick meeting. And we use the term at work huddle. We huddle a lot and we talk about huddles all the time. So the other day I was, you know, talking to a couple of co-workers and I said, oh, we should powwow on that. And they both looked at me and said we really Don't use that term in a work setting anymore.

Amjed: 8:25

And you know, it's kind of disrespectful to the indigenous people. And I thought, oh, I did not, that one, I did not know. I said really, I did not know that was there and but it just like said just kind of flowed out and it was kind of weird because I said, oh, I've always thought of it as like I'm honoring Native American culture, indigenous culture, and you know, like that, literally, literally. I you don't have to believe me somebody listening to this at some point in the future might say, oh, that's a bunch of hogwash. You're, you know, you really are disrespectful, okay, but from the bottom of my heart I can honestly say that when I, whenever I would think of that term, I would think of it as a term of endearment toward that culture, that I'm in some way mimicking that culture and trying to, like you Know, honor that culture by by using their terminology. That's just how, where my brain went with it always. You know, I have a.

Amjed: 9:29

When I was young, we read a book boy I'm, I Might be going off on a really weird tangent here, but we read a book called bury my heart at wounded knee and I want to say I cried for a couple of weeks. I mean, I went into a deep depression and and it's you know, I think it's a fictional account. I believe again, this another one of those is why I keep my phone close sometimes, because I'm you know, I want to do a quick search bury my heart, wounded knee. Let's see, it's a book. Okay, here it is. I'm just pulling it real quick just to see if it's like exactly what I remember, but I remember the story. It's a nonfiction book that covers the history of Native Americans, so maybe this is.

Amjed: 10:19

Is this the book that I'm remembering? Okay, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Um, because I there might have been another book that was similar. That is not this one, but in any case, yeah, maybe it wasn't the berry in my heart and wounded knee, but I, because I remember the story about, I remember I thought it was a fictional account or a semi-fictional account of a particular character who was indigenous, was a Native American and was struggling to assimilate and did not want to become, you know, like follow the ways of white culture and kind of was living near a town and in the woods and like really kind of fighting that. And at the very end I want to say that this person I'll have to call my best friend from that time frame probably remembers the name, the actual name, of the book that I'm thinking of, because I don't, I'm not, I'm thinking this is not it, as I'm glancing over the review, I mean of the summary here.

Amjed: 11:30

I think this was another book that I read, but I just remember, like my heart being torn out at, you know, the history of the Native American people and, like you know, the indigenous people that were here when the settlers came, and the shift in the culture and how. Like you know, in a lot of ways when we think about colonization, even it's just a I don't know I just find it very painful to hear about mistreatment of any culture. So, you know, if I use a term that is in any way indigenous and I knowingly use it, like I did, you know, the other day I have so much respect for that culture, like it just tremendous amount of. Yeah, I mean I'll kind of stop with it there because, like I said, I kind of went into a little bit of a tangent. But you know, I just have this like my heart really goes out to the indigenous people and I have some.

Amjed: 12:38

You know, I was somewhat self-appointed but in my last role, my last job at work, as a cheerleader for that group at work, and I had the honor and the privilege to be involved in several activities and things supporting the honor and remembrance. So when we got to the holiday of, you know, celebrating indigenous people, which is coming up here in October, even though it's known as formally known, it's like the artist formerly known as Prince. It's formally known as Columbus Day, but to me that, you know, I feel like it's yeah, there is an opportunity to honor and respect the indigenous people and you know that should be every day, not just on a particular day. It's kind of like that's how I feel about Mother's Day. You know, it's a, it's a, it's a. You know it's not a particular day or Father's Day or yeah, we have a day and it's. It helps our consumer society, like generate a lot of revenue with greeting cards and different things. But you know, how can I possibly honor my mother or my father, or On just one day like that? I just really struggle with that. You know, I think it's great to have a day to particularly Call out and say, okay, there's an opportunity to really focus in and hone in on the sacrifices that my mother made raising me, or you know, let's just talk about Mother's Day, but by no means in my mind do I think that that's enough that I can just honor my mom on one day out of the year. I mean, there's no way, there's no way. So, like I said, I know I went off on like a weird tangent, but coming back to this idea of negative self-talk. There's still some old tapes that play, like you know. I'll give you an example as much respect and love as I have for indigenous people, I Actually caught an old tape coming out of my mouth, stopped at mid-sentence.

Amjed: 15:13

We were gathering for a meeting and and I said you know we better get started the and I use the term getting restless and. But I know I think I said the natives are gathering or something like that. Like I start, I said the natives are, and then I realized like wait a minute, I don't think this doesn't sound right, this doesn't feel right. And I stopped myself and I just said our gathering or something. And then someone called me right afterwards and said you know that that is a really disrespectful kind of term because of the history of it, or Statement. And I said, yeah, I realized, as it was mid coming out of my mouth. So the following weekend, an opportunity to really talk about that and and and one acknowledged that that was wrong.

Amjed: 16:03

And you know I don't believe I don't hold any ill will toward any, any group, and you know, but these old tapes that I grew up listening to, you know, just like over and over it's like a listening to a song and, you know, all of a sudden start singing the lyrics and say, wow, I didn't even realize I remembered those lyrics. Sorry, you know, because it's been so many years since I heard that song. But here I am still, like I was in the store the other day and are this today? I was in the store today and Also I'm singing and I'm like, why am I singing? And I realized that, you know, there's a song playing over my head that I Still listen to a lot when I was younger, and it's just like autopilot, like here comes the song, and it's the same thing with these, with this, these old tapes, and so I, you know, another thing that happened around that time that just really, really highlighted this for me about the old tapes is, you know, I went to a.

Amjed: 17:03

You know I was in a place where someone started asking me about some of my religious beliefs and I went into an explanation, like. I started Describing an explanation of, like responding to this question that they asked, and when I came out I Felt ill. I felt sick to my stomach because I realized that the whole explanation that I gave Was a completely old tape from 20 years ago, 20 plus years ago it's this old tape that I had this old answer to that question. And since then my understanding and perception of that topic has evolved and Like quite a bit and it changed and shifted. And you know, I don't have that Kind of weird slanted view that I used to have on that particular topic. And I say weird, I don't know, maybe, just maybe it's not, but I just don't have that same view Today I feel like I have a different viewpoint. That's a older, more experienced viewpoint, I guess. But that's not what came out when they, when I was asked the question this old tape it was like so like I just hit play on an old tape and responded to this question in a very old way and and didn't realize till afterwards. So since then I've been trying really hard that when someone asked me something that could potentially trigger an old tape, that I pause and really ask the question like okay, wait a minute, which tape are you putting in the tape player right now? And then I guess I should I say tape. I should probably say like okay, for those of you who really have never owned any tapes cassette tapes or yeah, what's the other kind? We used to have the eight track. I Growing up I grew up in the 80s so I had a tape player at a dual tape player, which was like the best thing ever.

Amjed: 19:05

But I had a tape player and I would listen to the radio and I would make mixtapes. So I guess if you've seen Guardians of the Galaxy, you'd know what I'm talking about, because I was gonna say, like you know, like I'm playing the old mp3. I'm just trying to translate this for for a younger audience I'm playing the old mp3. But you know, I used to make mixtapes based on songs that were playing on the radio and I would hit record. Like the song would start and I'd hit record and I'd make these mixtapes and then I would use my two cassette dual cassette player to make a copy of the tape and then give it to my, give some to my friends. They're like oh, I hear some songs that I grabbed off the the radio and so, anyway, it's these old tapes. You know, I put these old tapes, these old mp3s, these old records, and it's just I play them back.

Amjed: 19:58

So I pause and I say, okay, so I'm gonna ask me a question. It's about a topic that I've thought about, felt about whatever before. Let me pause and see is that's still how I feel about that, and I say all that. I'm gonna come back to the topic of negative self-help. I mean negative self-talk in that. You know, now I realize that I still use some of those, those negative self tapes on myself. Even though a lot of the emotion is gone, or most of the emotion is gone out of the sentence, the statements are still there, those negative statements like oh, I'm an idiot, oh that was dumb, or what's wrong with me, or I need help, and that. You know that's a good reminder for me to really watch, to watch for that and really pay attention to my language.

Amjed: 20:59

I think the only way to replace an old tape is I have to record a new one. And it's like you know, recently when I had to re-record a podcast episode because the old one was corrupt, the file was corrupt the only way to replace it was I had to record a new one. So I had to sit down and and actually take the time to record a new one. And I guess that's where affirmations may come in handy. I've had friends that have really been encouraged me to do more affirmations and I don't think I do them enough Because, well, I'll say this, if I'm still using statements like that was dumb or that was stupid on myself, then that's, to me, is evidence that I don't do that enough, that I'm not taking time To re-record those messages to myself.

Amjed: 21:45

So, you know, I think it starts with maybe really reflecting on asking people, reading up about and identifying what would be the alternative. So, okay, I put the trash out, but then I actually forgot to take the trash out. So I come back in I see the trash bag there. What's the? What's a healthy? You know, I'm sitting here I'm thinking I'm like, well, what is a healthy reaction to that? Like I, I know I've sometimes I've said to myself like, oh, I'm so silly or that was silly. You know, maybe it's, maybe it's something more like guess what? I'm a human being, I'm a human being. This is awesome. Look, I'm a human being and maybe that's. You know, I'm human, I'm a human, I'm beautifully and perfectly flawed. I'm a human. And maybe that's where I start like really practicing self-defense. I start like really practicing saying that.

Amjed: 22:48

I was thinking about that the other day and I'll kind of. Before I switch gears to one other little quick topic, I wanted to hit on on this. But you know this idea, though, what was it I was giving? I was getting ready for a presentation and I thought to myself, like what if there's a typo on the slides? Like what if there's an error or a typo in the slides? And I just kind of smiled and I said, you know what, I'm gonna adopt a new statement for that, instead of, oh, I'm so sorry that this is here, or I feel bad, or you know, please forgive this error, or whatever. That is that my old tapes, that I would play about that.

Amjed: 23:31

Instead, I, I'm like been working on this new tape, which is I love it when there's a typo on my slides, because it reminds me that I'm a human. It reminds me that we're all human and, you know, no one got hurt. There was no injury or significant catastrophe that happened because there was a typo on my slide, but it's such a simple small thing. But it reminds me that I'm a human and that I have an opportunity to embrace the imperfection, to accept my own humanity. And, you know, just to know that, okay, I'm a human being and I'm gonna make mistakes, and that's okay, that's okay. And so, anyway, turns out there was an error on the slide, which it's like okay, yeah, that's exactly. But this was like I had thought, that thought before it actually happened, before that Event happened, but that was the kind of the new tape, and so, when it happened, part of me smiled and said, oh look, we're humans, I'm a human. There was a team of us that were involved and no one caught there and so, and you know not sure exactly how that got passed us all but yeah, there it was. But and so it's an opportunity to learn and grow and say, okay, what can we do differently in our process? Like, how can we, you know, really look at this from a different perspective?

Amjed: 25:03

So, last thing I wanted to say here on the topic of needing help is you know, the other part of that is I. You know I was. I talk a lot about how, in 2007, I finally got the help that I needed, that I truly needed the Actual help that I needed, because I did need help, you know, and and I still do I still need help. So there's not I Mean yes when I say I need help. From a negative, self-taught perspective, that's not helpful. Wow, what did I just do there? But at the same time, you know, I do still need help. I'm not I'm imperfect, I'm still broken. I still have a lot of work. There's a lot of exciting work left to be done on me and you know I look forward to continuing to do that work. But the only way that I can do that is by asking for help. Continue to ask for help.

Amjed: 26:09

And I said that I struggle with still to this day. I struggle in particularly, oh, you know, like at work I struggled to ask for help In in stores. I I really struggled to ask for help in stores. Like I will go around in circles for an hour and Be unable and I know there's this joke about how men can't ask for help but I will run around in the store for an hour Trying to find something rather than just ask someone Like excuse me, do you know where this is? Can you help me to find this? Like I will continue to look and look and look and I'll go online and I'll search.

Amjed: 26:49

And I forgot what store I was in the other day and I was like why I can't find this thing? And I checked like four different places and was the last place that I looked and I remember thinking to myself, like why don't they? They don't have the actual location in their app. Some stores have that where you can look it up on the app and it'll tell you, like, go to aisle H 19 and you go over there and it you know it's on that aisle somewhere, but even then you may not be able to find it and then other stores will actually give you the bay, like the actual location. It is on that aisle, but overall, you know it's not all stores have that, but it's, and it's easier for me to do that than it is, because I still have this perception.

Amjed: 27:29

Maybe it's an old tape. There's the old tape place that says you need to be independent, you need to be able to figure this out on your own. And if you can't figure it out and you have to stop and ask someone One, you're inconveniencing them, which I know is not true, but that's what my brain tells me and I usually buy it that you're inconveniencing them and you know and it's a sign that you couldn't figure it out. You couldn't figure it out. Therefore, you had to ask for help. Oh, yeah, so I do need help and it's a good reminder for me to continue to explore.

Amjed: 28:10

Maybe, maybe that's another tape that I need to re-work on is the tape that says you know, before I even go into the store, like, what all, what are you gonna ask? What all help are you gonna ask for today? Or maybe at the beginning of the day at work, like, what help are you gonna ask for today? Are you gonna ask for today? So that you're not trying to do it all on your own, like, where is it that you can ask for help? And I I tend to only do that when I'm absolutely stuck, like when I there's nothing I can do and I feel trapped and I've tried, exhausted every possibility. That's when I finally feel like, okay, now I need to. Now I for sure, uh, ask for help, so, um. So with that, let's switch to the random message of the day, and I'll reach into my bucket here Looking through shuffling, shuffling. I like to make sure I get it mixed up really good. So I truly get a random one, because you never know what kind I'm gonna get. I dropped one on the floor. Okay, here we go.

Amjed: 29:20

So this is an interesting one. It says tomorrow's action becomes no, sorry, I'm reading this wrong today's action becomes tomorrow's habit. Wow, that actually Believe it or not, I don't know. For me, that feels like it coincides with the topic today, that today's actions become tomorrow's habit, that you know, the more I do something it's going to build into a habit. Um, but then also like just words, like today's words become tomorrow's tape. The more I record that, the more I say that to myself, the more I say those sentences or think those thoughts, the more likely they are to crop up On autopilot at some later time. And so it's just really important for me to pay attention, pay attention to what's going on and and listen to uh, listen to my tapes and, and, if I need to rerecord them, to rerecord them. So, with that, thanks so much for listening and you know if you are finding benefit, I hope you come back and until next time, take care.