I am worthy to live (988 episode)

Amjed: 0:01

Today is September 10th, 2023, and it's World Suicide Prevention Day, and so today I am discussing my own experiences with suicidal ideation and attempts and the switch in my attitude. That the reason why I'm still here today, and so, as a trigger warning, if this is an uncomfortable topic for you, you may want to consider not listening, and I know for me, after having recorded the majority of it, I have been experiencing some fear and shame, but I'm going to post it anyway. Hi, this is Amjad, a simple, broken man living in a complex world. Join me as I navigate the dark and bright spots of life, sharing vulnerably and reflecting deeply along the way. May you find some benefit here. That is through me, not from me. I must warn you to enter at your own risk, for in this room, my humanity is showing.

Amjed: 1:07

Welcome, my fellow humans, to episode 40 of my humanity is showing and trying out the new intro there. I don't know, it feels like it still needs a little bit of work, so today's episode might feel a little dark, but I think it's an important topic to discuss and you know September we're in the month of September here, and September is Suicide Prevention Month, and it's a really important month for me personally and as I've shared or at least alluded to and touched on in previous episodes and I think I talked about it more in the beginning than later but you know I have a history with this and I have a history with depression and, you know, just struggling with negative self image and just really feeling like the only way out was to end it all, and do also have a history of some failed or, I guess, successfully failed suicide attempts in my history. So I'm really fortunate to be around, I'm really fortunate to be doing this and in a lot of ways, that's why I started this podcast was as a way to pay it forward, because I feel like I owe it to those who are still out there, that are still suffering, that are still struggling with some of the things same things that I was struggling with that I owe it to them to share my journey and to share what's. You know what it was like, what you know like what's changed in the way I see the world and I see myself and what do I do today to focus on self care and to stay out of that mindset, and so that's really important for me and so being able to share that so that maybe it gives someone else hope. So if you're listening to this and you're not in a good place, or you haven't been in a good place recently, or maybe you still kind of go in and out of that not so good place, the one thing I can tell you that I'm so incredibly grateful for is and I'll start with this that it took a good of the perfect mix of desperation and courage for me to finally get the help that I needed, to finally ask for the help that I needed.

Amjed: 4:04

You know, I had this kind of stigmatism in my head, or this idea, the stigma that one only cowards ask for help, which is ridiculous. For me now to think that, but that's exactly what I thought, not realizing how much courage it took to ask for help, I also felt like, more importantly than that, what I struggled with is it wasn't so much the coward thing, it was more of if I wasn't so messed up Sorry, I have to chuckle at that, because I was my definition of messed up. When I look at it, when I look back on it now, I'm like what, what was so messed up, like I? I'm still struggling to figure out what was so messed up. It was just a mindset of how I viewed myself in terms of, you know, my inability to accept imperfection in myself, and little things, little things that I couldn't do. Those little failures just kept adding up, and not even the, not even the big ones. But even if you throw in a couple of the big mistakes that I've made in my life, which you know wrecking my mom's car when I was 16, or you know, just things like that the thing that I had the hardest time with was anytime I hurt anyone, anytime I said or did anything that hurt someone else rather than seeing it as okay. I'm a imperfect, flawed human being and you know I'm bound to make mistakes and at times, those mistakes may result in harm to other people. You know that, instead of seeing it that way, it was, see, there's more evidence that I don't deserve to be here. There's another piece of evidence that I don't deserve to be here and that just kept adding up year after year after year after year of year of my life, and it started when I was rather young, because the one thing that I've never wanted to do was hurt anyone.

Amjed: 6:22

And so, you know, if I did something and it upset my mom, like you know, if I accidentally broke something at home that was really important to my parents because I was playing around with it and I broke it and I could tell that they were in a lot of pain as a result of it. Because, you know, I remember the story. I don't remember it actually happening because I was pretty young, I think I was like one or two but my parents worked really hard and saved up to buy a record player and one of those old LP records and a record player and on the first day that they got it I mean they were financially not well off when I was young and on the first day they got it I broke it. I like I destroyed it. I was like a one or two year old and they used to tell me that story all the time and you know they'd laugh about it and they tell the story.

Amjed: 7:20

But in my head this is how my brain is wired. In my head it was like, see, if you hadn't been there, they would not have experienced that negative consequence, like they would have been able to still enjoy this thing that they were looking forward to. And, like I said, when I talk about it now and anyone healthy who's listening to this is like what, why would your brain even go there? Like, why would you even think that? That doesn't even make sense. And, like I said, even looking back on it now, from where I'm at currently, I can see that you know, I can see myself as like just that negative lens of everything. Every mistake that I made was further evidence that I was a mistake. So you know that really started adding up after years and years and years and years of that.

Amjed: 8:22

Any close friends that I had, I would hurt them, my family and I remember, you know, in all the times that I've, you know the times that I've attempted suicide or at least thought about it, reflected on it, come up with plans that you know one of the main sentences in my head would be I'm sick and tired of hurting the people I care about the most, hurting them the most. I'm just so tired of her. They're causing so much pain to people that I care about the most. And it was almost like the more I cared about you, the more likely I was to hurt you, the more likely I was to to cause you pain and I really that was hard to live with. It was hard to live with myself that way, and you know that when I reflect on it now, what's crazy even crazier about that for me, when I look on it now is is this idea that you know, rather than seeing those as opportunities to improve and say, okay, what can I learn from this, how can I become better, how can I, what can I do to prevent that from happening in the future, I would just fall into a negative cycle, a complete negative cycle, and you know it was just where I would sit and I would just beat myself up about, not literally, but just, you know, like, really, be hard on myself, for look at what you did.

Amjed: 10:07

How dare you do that? That's a terrible thing for you to do and Really, you know, focus on that rather than on, okay, what can I do to move forward? What can I do to? You know, like I said, improve, prevent this in the future, repair the damage that I've done. Rather than focusing on those things, I would just focus on Self annihilation. That's kind of how my brain was wired.

Amjed: 10:36

Even you know, I just caught this as I'm sharing about it now I and I mean I have to go back and listen to the recording to see how many times I did it, but I believe I've used the word crazy or nuts, or ridiculous to describe how I was thinking at the time and I don't think that that is fair for me to use those kind of terms to describe even myself in those days, because I'm not crazy, I'm not nuts, I'm not ridiculous and nor was I ever Any of those things like that's not. And I get, like I said, I can see even in my own language some of the residual of that, like I still have that thinking, that negative reflection, thinking on myself, but you know that self shame that I struggle with even to this day it's still there. It's still there, but it's far better than it was. Because you know, now, when I'm paying attention which obviously I wasn't for the first part of this recording when I'm paying attention and I'm really focused on the unhealthy approach, I look at that as I was not crazy, I was unhealthy, I Was not nuts, I wasn't insane, I wasn't ridiculous, I was Unhealthy, I was very unhealthy and I had unhealthy thinking. I had thinking that was not Healthy, that was not productive, it was not something that was beneficial to me or anyone around me, and so what has changed? So, as I've shared in previous previous episodes, and I'll you know kind of just recap real quick that the last serious suicide plan that I had was in February of 2007 and in that During that time I hit a Relatively powerful low.

Amjed: 12:46

I Ended up with someone that was extremely helpful to me and they pointed out how Self-centered my thinking was. You know, this person Said to me you know he said in a lot of ways that, and I'll never forget it, it was just such a powerful analogy for me. He said you're like a tiny ant that has crawled up into the throne of God and you're playing judge, jury and executioner on yourself from that throne, condemning yourself as if you truly know what your purpose is and and, at the same time, condemning God for Having made something so broken and evil. And that's literally how my brain used to think. That's that negative, unhealthy thinking, and I'm gonna stick to unhealthy thinking as the terminology here for the rest of this recording. And you know I that that negative thinking.

Amjed: 13:55

And but when he said like you're like a tiny ant, he said in a lot of ways that takes a great deal of arrogance to put yourself on that pedestal and you don't even realize you're doing it and it was very eye-opening for me. It was really helpful to me to see that what I thought was humility was actually arrogant humiliation. It was me. I'm pointing myself as some form of God, whether you know whether I, even on the days when I'm struggling with belief, if I look back and I say, okay, you know, today I may or may not believe that there's a God, but I was acting like one. I was acting like one because I was deciding my own fate in terms of what whether or not I should live or die, and Determining my own value, and that you know Today. So what's different today? So I finally, after that episode, I immediately got help. I started going to therapy, um Been very involved in several support groups. I mean, there's a lot of prayer and reading and Therapy and all kinds of stuff. That has happened in the year since 2007 and we're now in 2023. So you know, in all of those years, a lot has happened for me, a lot of positive work.

Amjed: 15:26

Sorry, I have this itch on the back of my neck that I'm trying to scratch. It's moving my mouth away from the microphone. You know. See, I'm human and even this you know, when I first started this pocket. That's one of the reasons why I I work really hard not to edit these episodes because, you know, like that, that just happened right there. It's like, ah, stop, let's rerecord.

Amjed: 15:51

But that's me in pursuit of perfection again, and I work really hard to accept the imperfection, to embrace the imperfection and accept my own humanity. So I'm a human being. I am perfectly flawed. I am perfectly flawed. I'm like a beautiful piece of art. That's how I view myself today. Like a beautiful piece of art. And you know, I've got some jagged edges and those who get close might get cut by those jagged edges, but that doesn't make me any less of a beautiful piece of art, you know. I mean, that's where I am today is I? I know that I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that.

Amjed: 16:34

And if someone gets cut or if I, you know, cause some damage, it's okay. What can I do To help repair that? What can I do to move past that? How can I prevent that in the future? You know, what can I do to smoothen out that rough edge or that sharp edge that's less likely to cause harm? That's what I need to focus in on and focus on For me, on that self-care, self-respect. It's really important. I in the recent years, like the last couple of years, been really working on On this self-love concept, which is a little bit challenging for me, that can I be kind enough to myself and care about myself enough that from that self-love, from that self-care, could come forth A well, a positive say.

Amjed: 17:29

This is the interesting paradox for me Is when I'm Indulging myself, indulging in negative self-talk, when I am focused on that negative perspective of myself, I increase the probability I'm going to hurt someone, because that's in a lot of ways, the sources, source of one of my greatest weaknesses. Because when I'm focused inward on my own Imperfections, I'm more likely to make a mistake, I'm more likely to get upset, I'm more likely To hurt someone's feelings or to cause to you know Cause an error because I'm just focused on myself and it's like, in a way, it's like if I were driving a car down the road. It's like if I were fixated On the steering wheel and I just had my eyes locked on the steering wheel and I'm watching how my hands are moving on the steering wheel and the whole time I'm just staring at the steering wheel. I'm much more likely to get into an accident because I have to shift my focus off the steering wheel and onto the road, with some occasional glances into the rearview mirror, checking my side view mirrors, but the majority of my focus outward, into the front of the road, the other cars where I'm driving, you know, staying in my lane, occasional glancing down and checking my speed, but the majority of my focus is on the road. That that's the safer driving for me. That's the safer driving for me, and so it's much like that.

Amjed: 19:16

If I'm focused inward on myself and I'm like, oh see, look what you did there. Oh, that's not right either, and I'm critiquing myself constantly and then I'm more likely to cause harm. So by being kind to myself and saying, okay, you're a good driver, yeah, you're going to make some mistakes, but you're a good person and let's focus on the road instead, how can we be of benefit to others and be kind to myself in the process, I'm less likely to cause harm to others. And I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like that needs more explanation, or maybe discussion where you know if someone wants to sit down and chat about that. You know, it's like it's. It feels like kind of applying it in individual circumstances is easier to explain than talking about it in abstracts, but it's a. That's.

Amjed: 20:11

The concept for me is that from that spring of self care, self love, there I can, I can bring forth many good things into the world. And when I get, when I get out of the way, when I'm not focused on self annihilation or self critiquing or, like a friend of mine calls it, the saboteur, the, you know, that negative self voice, I also call it the shame waterfall. I may have used that term before you know, when I'm drowning in the shame waterfall, I can't see anything in front of me and I'm more likely to cause harm to others. So if I want to be helpful in the world, if I want to be positive, if I want to because that for me and I know that's not everyone's experience, even those who have struggled with depression and other issues I've talked to many others and there's different causes, there's different reactions to how, how people respond to to that, but for me this has been my source. My source is my inability to accept my own imperfection, my inability to face my circumstances and lots and lots and lots of negative self talk, like just being so hard on myself, like, even in the difficult situation, saying I caused this, it's my fault, I'm in this situation and not being able to withstand the pain anymore.

Amjed: 21:48

You know I, you know, in 2007, I mentioned, you know, that last plan that I had the other. The two things I kept thinking was I'm tired of hurting the people I care about the most. And the other one was the best gift I can give to those I care about is for me to be out of the picture. Yeah, they'll be sad, yeah they'll. They'll miss me, you know, but they'll get over it and their life will be so much better if I'm not around. I don't know if I believe that today. I, you know, I really I don't, because I believe that I'm much more useful when I'm around than when I'm not. And these people that I care about, they care about me too, and, you know, by being in their life and being healthy, by focusing on my own health, I can bring positivity into their life as well. And so that whole thing has shifted for me. There's like a complete shift in focus in terms of, like, how I see the world. And I'm looking at the time and I'm noticing I'm getting close to the end of this episode, you know I.

Amjed: 23:08

Just one other thing I'll mention, because I feel like it's really important to mention, is that you know, in case you missed the message, in case you missed the note, there's a new phone number 988. For anyone who has thoughts of harming their selves or others needs help. The hotline is now 988. And that is you know. That's the new number. There used to be an older number that was like 1800. And I'm trying to see if I can. I had it up on my phone a second ago. Hold on. Yeah, it was 1-800-273-8255. And I still never could remember that number.

Amjed: 23:55

My kids memorized the number because there was a song that came out in 2017 by a guy named Logic and I had a Lassia Cara and Khalid in it, khalid in it, and I just watched the music video again. I don't think I'd ever seen the music video. And then my kids listened to the song a lot and when I went to open up the music video, I thought it was really cool that it said it gave me like a warning, saying that this, there's talk about suicide and are you sure you want to watch this? And then, as soon as I get in on the bottom, it has this thing that says you're not alone. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, free, confidential, available 24 hours. And it has a button that I can hit to call or chat that number right now and it's in YouTube. It's like built in. I just think that's so awesome. This video has 440 million views and the topic is I think my understanding is there's two reasons, like one, to make that number more accessible and available and for people to kids to remember it.

Amjed: 24:59

So it became more like prominent Cause it was a harder number to remember the 1-800-273-28255. But my kids memorized it because they would listen to this song all the time and so they knew this. They knew the number. This was before. It was 988. 988 is much easier to remember. I mean that's a game changer, game changer in this past year, like to switch to 988. I mean I think that's just phenomenally awesome, like I'm just I'm so grateful for that. I didn't know that number back then. I don't know if I would or would not have even called it, but I definitely didn't know the number, couldn't remember it. So 988 is much easier to remember. I may be more likely to call or chat in to that number.

Amjed: 25:45

If I'm in a bad place, Then if you know, then I would have if I had to try to remember the longer number. And then the other thing is you know the song. What's really cool about the song is it starts out with you know, I don't want to live today, I just want to die. But then by the end it ends with you know, I don't want to die today, and it kind of shows that positive kind of flip in the message and the song and, you know, really promoting the idea that you're not alone, we're not alone. Like I said, you know, if you're listening to this and maybe you're not in a good place or you still occasionally get those little flashes like I get, where it's like man, the world would be better off without me. It took courage. For me, it took courage to finally ask for help, and I'm so glad I did, Because not only have I experienced a lot of positive things in my life since then, I also believe that I've been able to contribute a lot of good, and that's why I'm here today recording this podcast in the hopes of paying it forward and continuing to have the conversation and keep the message positive.

Amjed: 27:18

So with that I'm going to wrap up this topic. I just feel like I could talk about it, keep going on and on and on, but I'll stop there and we'll switch over to the random message. Let's see if it's anything related to this. I can't imagine that anybody would have a fortune cookie message related to this topic, but we'll see what we get Reaching in and let's see.

Amjed: 27:45

So this one says everything is possible, just not so probable. So I don't know. I just I read that first part first and chuckled. You know, it's like everything is possible and I guess for me that's a, it's a good reminder that I didn't think my life would ever get better. I really didn't. And I know it says in here that it might not be probable, even if it's possible. But you know, I I'm just going to focus on that and it kind of goes back to that positive focus on that first part says everything is possible. It's possible that if I continue to live a healthy life and I continue to focus on self care and continue to help, focus on spreading the message, that there may be at least one person out there who benefits, one person that has a positive change in their life as a result of me being around, and that will make it all worth it. That will make it all worth it.

Amjed: 28:52

Whether it's probable or not, it's not, it's none of my business. I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be around and be of service and I'm just really grateful to be here today and be sharing with you all. And, as always, if you want to reach out and connect, you can shoot me an email at umjud at myhumanityashowingcom and yeah, I'm I. If you find some benefit here, please keep coming back and help spread the message, in particular about suicide prevention month and about 988. You know there's this.

Amjed: 29:36

You know one other thing that I have to mention that I think is so incredibly important that there's a myth that says that you know if, if I mentioned suicide to someone, if I mentioned suicide to someone who wasn't already thinking of it, that I might plant the idea and that's a well known myth, I know for me it was. It was helpful for someone to just finally face me and talk to me about it. Just the act of me being able to talk about what I was feeling was the first, first time that I had any relief. The first time I had any relief was when someone confronted me and said are you thinking about hurting yourself? And then, you know, kind of forced me into a conversation about it, almost in a way, and but that was the first time I started to feel some relief and that's what gave me the courage to go out and seek the help that I needed, because this person wasn't qualified to be my counselor.

Amjed: 30:41

But they were able to be a listening ear and to break that dam of silence, to break the ice of silence and help me to at least be able to speak about the conversation for the first time and about my ideas and my suicidal thoughts and plans. But you know, and then today I can talk about it in a podcast, whereas in the past I might not have been able to. So with that I will wrap up and thanks. Always Hope you get something out of here that is through me and not from me, as I share my intro. And, yeah, if you find some benefit, keep coming back. Thanks,